Bonnie’s Birthday dinner

Today is daughter Bonnie’s birthday and it got me thinking and reminiscing. There are as many different ways of celebrating birthdays as there are, well, birthdays. If we are fortunate and are indulged as children, we imagine that everyone has birthday parties. We expect them regularly and assume they’re always fun. It’s only as adults that we discover that childhood had particular joys that are not necessarily available automatically now.

So we make our own celebrations; tasteful dinner parties, blowouts at sports bars, or intimate dinners at nice restaurants. Or we just choose to ignore the whole thing, regarding it as just another day, just another number.

Over the years I have pretty much done that kind of thing for my own birthdays, although I admit I admire the people who take bold steps to reclaim their day and celebrate in their own distinctive way. In recent years my daughter Bonnie became one of those, having instituted a tradition all her own. She throws herself a birthday party, deciding on a theme, inviting all the guests, doing all the planning, shopping, cooking and decorating.

This is not a minor project. She frequently has anywhere from 12 to 40 guests. She lives in the San Francisco Bay area, many miles from where she grew up in Southern California. Like many of her generation who remained single, she has, over time gathered a congenial group of friends that are like family.

I started hearing about her parties a few years ago when she would mention them in passing during phone conversations. Since her birthday is situated right between two major holidays, she usually did not come “home” for that day, choosing instead to come on Thanksgiving or Christmas, if at all. A few years ago, after a year or two of hearing about the dinners in response to “how was your birthday?” I became intrigued; I felt I needed to go there and see what it was all about firsthand.

Exercising mom privilege, I requested, and received, an invitation, and up to the Bay area I went. At that time she lived in Berkeley in a cooperative house, which is not as remarkable there as it might be elsewhere. Her particular one had eight residents, all adults, all well-educated as you might imagine in a university town. Most were employed in good works of various sorts, helping professions and environmentally positive lines of work. The house figured prominently in the life that Bonnie led and still leads in the sense of being a sustainable lifestyle with people not using up more of everything, including space, than is needed. Of course Berkeley being a university town in addition to being in the Bay area and therefore an expensive place to live also weighed in. She moved there a few years ago to go to graduate school. During that process, she had tried various types of housing situations, giving the impression that some were more congenial than others. But each move and situation she found herself in meant she made additional friends. After getting her degree, she decided to settle there; in great part I am sure, because of those friends and bonds that were forged.

For my part, I love the idea of cooperative living. You have a built-in support system without having to be born into it or marry it. And to my mind, any differences that need to be overcome are the essence of any relationship. Bonnie’s situation seems to bear that out. While she has not confided all details of the issues involved in living closely with such a diverse group of individuals, she mentioned an incident or two that allowed me to believe that it was necessary to maintain a certain amount of flexibility and tolerance to be there.

But when it came to throwing parties, there are built-in guests and participation, and that’s a good thing. My first exposure to the birthday bash reminded me of a big extended family where everyone gets into the kitchen and has a part in making of the celebration. But I get ahead of myself.

On the first Bonnie Birthday I participated in I arrived in Berkeley midday on the birthday. Had it been my celebration, my event, I would have had all the shopping done days ahead and would have probably already made some of the dishes that didn’t have to be served hot. And, the house would have been cleaned and prepared for guests by no later than the night before. That would be my inclination and what would seem natural and right for me.

Not that kid. I drove up to her house and after the welcoming and hugging, she showed me my room, actually her room. She was sleeping in the room of another resident who happened to be out of town, and who had given permission for his room to be used that way. After I dropped my suitcase she said, “Let’s go shopping”. “For what,” I wondered, though not out loud. I knew better than to ask. So off we went and I was introduced to Berkeley Bowl, a store that originally started out in a vacant bowling alley and moved to its current location which, although it is a former Safeway store, still has that bowling alley feel. To call it a grocery store is to underestimate it and is almost disrespect. It’s a cavernous emporium of any kind of food you might want, organic and not; fresh fruits and vegetables, bins of flour, nuts, cereals and beans, to name a few. Along with a lovely selection of cheeses, all kinds of olives, a fabulous bakery and artisanal bread section, comprehensive selections of wine and beer.
As if that wasn’t enough, there is also a deli with hot and cold foods, all the usual and the unusual. It was overwhelming! It’s to be expected, of course. Berkeley is after all, the home of the renowned Alice Waters, sometimes called “the mother of modern American cooking” for her pioneering practices in what is called the fresh food movement. Berkeley is home to an area referred to as “gourmet ghetto” because of the number of great places for food. My personal favorite is The Cheese Board, a cooperatively owned cheese and bread store which is right across the street from Waters’ famous Chez Panisse restaurant. More to the point perhaps, Berkeley has lots of restaurants, bakeries, and delis that are not famous, but are still head and shoulders above what you might typically find in many cities. That a place like Berkeley Bowl exists and is so well-received here speaks well for the quality and selection of their products.

Back in the store, since I had not yet eaten lunch and we were under time constraints, I found a fresh tasty bun in the bread section to nibble on as we started shopping.
Bonnie discussed her theme and we consulted on the various choices and items she had on her grocery list. I made a few suggestions, and off we went. Fruit, flour, nuts, cheese, vegetables, all were quickly selected and tossed into the cart. I donated some nice and reasonably priced wine which I imagined would add to the festivities. Leaving there loaded down we still made another couple of stops, purchasing items we hadn’t (surprisingly) found at Berkeley Bowl.

By now it was late afternoon and, after stopping at Peets Coffee for a takeaway of good strong coffee, we returned to her home, the co-op.

The co-op is a large three-story house built about a hundred years ago as a single family house. It has eight bedrooms, five bathrooms, a guest room, a huge music room with large windows on three sides, a large dining room, living room and the sort of generous kitchen you might imagine was needed for a family and house of that sort. The kitchen is located in the back of the house and has large windows looking out to a spacious yard. It is equipped with a terrific 6-burner O’Keefe & Merritt stove with two ovens, a modest looking pre-curser to the extravagant and costly Viking and Wolff stoves of today.
We arrived with our supplies and as we carried them into the house encountered a couple of the other residents who then went out to the car to help carry in the rest of the groceries.
I was introduced and going into the kitchen, found a stool in one corner to sit, sip my coffee and observe the unloading and organizing of the foodstuffs. By then it was around 5:00 and Bonnie moved into high gear. Other residents and friends arrived and when they volunteered were each given a task. And there were plenty of volunteers. This was not a shy group, nor were they unwilling to pitch right in, even if they didn’t know anything about the dish they were assigned to.
The menu was varied, with all food groups except meat included. The house was not vegetarian but my daughter and several members were, and the meat-eaters among the group were tolerant and tolerated, this being Berkeley and all. There was a green salad with pecans, cranberries and pears. A Tian, made with a base of red and yellow peppers and caramelized onions and layered alternatively with small rounds of tomatoes, eggplant and yellow squash; festive to look at and really tasty too. I say that with assurance since it’s my recipe. And, as the source, I was called into service to produce it, or actually two of it, due to the size of the guest list. Butternut squash soup, a cheesy lasagna and home-made bread rounded off the menu.
As we got going all around me people were chopping, mixing, sautéing, whipping or otherwise making themselves culinarily useful. The feeling was convivial and the noise level was loud. Bonnie was in the center of it all, mixing her bread and answering questions and occasionally assigning newcomers to a task, or reassigning as needed. I sat on a tall stool and sipped wine, watching and listening and only occasionally contributing to the din.
Guests started arriving for the festivities and in typical Bonnie style, everything was running late. No problem here though. The guests busied themselves where needed, or set out their own contributions of snacks, or wine and just became part of the hosting, opening the door and greeting other arrivals as they came in. It seemed almost holiday-like.

Even with a guest list of 20 or more, Bonnie preferred a sit-down dinner arrangement thinking it more congenial to conversation than a buffet. So as time went on and we grew closer to being ready to serve, a few people were directed to accumulate and move chairs and tables into proper seating arrangements in the only room adequate for the purpose, the living room. Sofas were shoved to one side, tables were set end to end dressed in tablecloths and candelabra were placed and lit down the length of the tables. With a fireplace anchoring one end of the seating and the large bay window on the other end, the makeshift seating was surprisingly elegant.
By 7:30 the first hors d’oevres of nuts, cheese and bread, along with wine and other beverages were being enjoyed. Good smells wafted out of the kitchen and it seemed everyone’s appetites were sharpened. At least mine was. By 8:30 or so the snacks were pulled aside, the table was set and we placed a multitude of hot dishes all along the table and everyone who wasn’t already seated did so. Someone said a cheerful and heartfelt “grace” and then the food was passed around the table. Conversation, along with the wine, flowed easily. Sometime later, after the food was decimated, the dishes were cleared and a birthday cake was presented in the traditional way, with lit candles and singing. The large sheet cake, a delicious multi-flavored creation, was a gift from a friend of Bonnie’s who obviously excelled in baking.
I was touched to hear myself included when the birthday song was sung. Bonnie’s and my birthdays are only a day apart and she had thought to mention it and her friends had remembered to include me.
At some point I started fading and, saying my goodnights to the young people, headed upstairs to bed. The party could go on without me and go on it did, far into the wee hours of the morning. A tribute to a good time being had by all.

My special gift was in seeing how many of her friends hold my daughter in high esteem. Expressed in many ways, it was obviously heartfelt and sincere.

Early the next morning I was gratified to see that all that attention that had been focused on the cooking and celebrating had also turned to the cleaning up. The kitchen was immaculate, with everything from the dishes and cookware to recyclables and composting materials all in their allotted place. I probably shouldn’t have been noticing stuff like that but, I am the mom, after all.


Vegetable Tian
Even people who aren’t confirmed vegetarians love this dish.

Ingredients
3 medium sweet onions
4 Japanese or 1 medium eggplant
3-4 summer squash
2 lg red & yellow peppers
5 medium tomatoes
½ cup basil leaves chopped
5 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
1 tsp salt
1 tsp crushed red pepper
2/3 cup extra virgin olive oil

Directions
Peel and slice onion, cut peppers in half taking out seeds and ribs and julienne. Heat some olive oil and cook the onion until wilted, 6-8 minutes or so. Add peppers and pepper flakes and cook another 10 minutes or until soft. Add garlic and sauté, add basic and salt to taste. Spread in a shallow lightly greased 13” X 9” gratin or baking pan with sides. Set aside.
Cut eggplant, squash and tomatoes into rounds about ¼” thick. If eggplant is large, cut into quarters, if tomatos are large cut rounds in half. Starting with eggplant, make a row of slices slightly overlapping each other along one edge of the pan. Next, make a row of overlapping tomatoes that overlap the eggplant, then squash. Each row should be the same color and overlap the previous row the 2/3. Keep repeating rows in the same order until the pan is filled. The vegetables will shrink as they cook so it’s important to overlap. So the finished dish is not thin and spread out.
When you have finished sprinkle the tian generously with salt and drizzle with extra-virgin olive oil. Then cover with tinfoil.
Can be refrigerated at this point several hours ahead.
Bake covered Tian at 375 degrees F, check after 15 minutes and gently press down the vegetables with a spatula. After 30 minutes remove the foil and press down again with the spatula. Drain off any excess liquid and return to oven and bake for at least another 15 minutes. Check again during that time and press down again with the spatula.

The Tian is done when the vegetables are cooked through, approximately and hour.
May be served warm or at room temperature. To serve, cut into squares and garnish with basil.
Serves 4 – 8, depending on whether used as a first or main course.